The Things of Life
by The Great Goz
Summary: I do say! This is a great story! What do you expect: it's about me, King Cold. If you ever wondered how I came to be so wise, well this is your chance to find out. Now please go and read it, won't you? You wont regret it! It's Complete!
1. Chapter 1

Author: The Great Goz (and the Baron Hausenpheffer for ch. 2)

Disclaimer: I don't own any DBZ characters. (Boo hoo!)

Note: The Baron and I have both agreed for years that King Cold is without a doubt the stupidest creature in the DBZ universe. We have always make fun of the big goof, especially the line in episode 104 where he says "I take great pride in that I have taught you the finer things in life, Frieza. Use them well." King cold is dumb, but we still like him, haha!

The other day, we got to wondering, "_Just what are these 'things of life' King Cold is always talking about? Also, how did he run across them?_" One thing led to another, and this story was born. The first chapter is written 100 by yours truly. Enjoy!

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_**King Cold: CH.1 The Enlightenment **_

This is the story of King Cold and how his "enlightenment" stage came about. One day he was walking about the sidewalk and he noticed a tree.

"What a wonderful tree! What a beautiful, wonderful tree!" he thought. He was so busy noticing the tree that, by golly, he ran into it. This caused a bright red apple to fall and hit his head. After the apple blow to the head, (and what a big bruise... oh yeah, as I was saying) he spent 20 minutes of being knocked out standing up. It finally dawned on him that he was daydreaming.

Then a huge, bright light appeared in the sky and started yelling, saying, "Father you idiot!"

Before he could taunt King Cold anymore, a gust of wind blew Frieza away, and then the real voice came and said, "King Cold... King Cold... King Cold... All right; that's it! This is getting annoying. Yo, idiot!"

"Yessuh?" said King Cold, astonished to know that a voice was above him. Then he said with a loud, forceful roar, "**Who are you**?"

"Me?" he boomed. "I am the voice of your Great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandfather: King Doorbell the Wise!"

"Yes, and what great information do you have, oh wise Doorbell?" asked King Cold.

"King Cold, in your lifetime you have learned a great many things about many things, and these things are called 'the things of life'!" King Doorbell answered.

"I do say! I'm that worthy?" said King Cold, astonished.

"No, not really," he answered. "You're the best I could find great (etc.) grandson, but don't worry. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings; just telling you the truth."

"Which is one of the things of life!" yelled King Cold.

"Well, you're catching on good, Cold!" remarked King Doorbell.

"Oh wise one, can you help me figure out what the things of life _are_?" said the puzzled Cold.

"No, that is for your puny mind to figure out," said Doorbell sarcastically.

"What! Why do you talk about your grandson like that?" Cold wailed.

By that time Frieza (who was out jogging and had heard the whole thing) said, "Because it's true father! Mwahahahaha!"

Then King Cold fell down, as Frieza pointed and laughed. Finally, he got bored and jogged off.

"King Cold, now that I have enlightened you about the …..stuff, I am going to leave you. Always remember: the power is yours!" said Doorbell.

After doorbell left him, King Cold found a park bench and sat down. He put his head on his hand and thought; he thought for so long that Frieza was throwing a "Horray! Father is dead!" party. Then finally it happened: he thought of it, and he began yelling at the top of his lungs, "I FOUND IT! **I KNOW THE THINGS OF LIFE!**"

At that time, there was a old woman walking by who heard him screaming, and she picked up a trashcan and threw it at his head. Since King Cold could not afford paper, he wrote his knowledge on the trash can that the old woman so graciously threw at his head. Here is King Cold's wisdom, the legendary "things of life":

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**1. **My name is King Cold.

**2.** My sons are named Frieza and Cooler.

**3.** Trees with apples lead to wisdom.

**4.** Saiyans are pesky little varmits.

**5.** Don't discriminate against green or purple people. We have feelings, too!

**6. **Clark Kent is not really Superman because Superman doesn't wear glasses.

**7. **Never try to communicate with a lobster because I found out they are smarter than I am.

**8.** Dragons are always green unless you're color-blind.

**9.** Never roast marshmallows on your horns; take it from me.

**10.** It is hard to write wisdom on trash cans.

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After he had written these things of life down on the holy trash can, he decided to show them to his first victim/convert. The old woman who was still standing there looked at the trash can and at its stupid owner. She just shook her head, mumbling, "what a waste of good trash cans..."

King Cold, knowing he had found his true calling, ran out and decided to devote his life to finding whoever would follow (or could be bribed to follow) his teachings. This, of course, meant that he needed disciples…

END OF CHAPTER 1

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Well, there it is: stupidity from concentrate!AMasterPiece! Hahaha! We hope you enjoyed it, but give us a shout-out either way. The next chapter will be authored by my chum, the Baron Hausenpheffer. Later!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ, Ranma, Trigun, or anything else for that matter. In fact, I can barely afford the keyboard that I'm typing with, so please don't sue me!

Author Note: "Okay, the Goz got the ball rolling, but now it's my turn. Let the insanity ensue!" (said the Baron)

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_**The Things of Life: CH.2 The Search for Disciples**_

In the middle of Antarctica, a lone figure stood alone in the raging blizzard. He was a little bald fellow, not quite five feet tall, and he was wearing a dark black robe. To his dismay, the snowflakes in the air suddenly stopped moving.

"Just great!" he mumbled, rolling his eyes. "It's so cold that even time froze! He had better get here soon..."

Just then, the ground in front of the cloaked figure exploded with light! When the light dimmed, Shenron, the Eternal Dragon, became visible... in a showercap.

"This had better be good, Krillin," the dragon boomed. "I was just washing my hair!"

"Oh, eternal dragon, allow your servant to point out that you don't have any hair," Krillin replied. "Now, for why I summoned you... As your Grand Inquisitor (and PR manager), I thought you should be informed of recent goings-on. A large, purple fool from outer space is running around spouting nonsense and leading people astray! What do you want me to do about it?"

"Hmm... What is he saying?" Shenron asked curiously.

"He is stereotyping dragons and insulting the sacred lobsters, Sir!" Krillin said angrily.

Shenron was furious! "How dare he? This blasphemous nonsense cannot be allowed to continue! Put the nincompoop to death, Grand Inquisitor Krillin!"

With that, the Eternal Dragon disappeared, returning to the center of the earth to finish his shower. Krillin stood alone in the snow, absolutely motionless. Then, an evil smile passed over his face. "Yes, Sir!" he smirked.

Krillin the Grand Inquisitor then blasted off in search of the rambling purple poltroon known as "King Cold"...

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_**KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!**_

"_Eh? Who could that be?_" wondered Master Roshi. The Turtle Hermit wasn't used to door to door salesmen on his tiny island in the middle of the Pacific, although he did have to chase off evangelists every now and again. It _could_ be one of the Z-fighters, but he wasn't expecting any of them.

"Well, baby, you'll have to excuse me while I get rid of this spoil-sport," he said, staring lovingly across the candlelit table at the love of his life. He gently closed her cover and put the latest issue of Playboy back in the vault before hurrying downstairs.

Master Roshi opened the door, saying, "I don't want to buy anything and I am a devout Taoist. Now, with that said, may I help you?"

He found himself staring at a large purple knee. "Yes, allow me to introduce myself. I am the legendary King Cold, and I am here to teach you about the glorious Things of Life!" the knee said.

Master Roshi growled, "Hey, what part of 'devout Taoist' didn't you understand? Besides, I make it a rule to never associate with planet-destroying emperors or their parents. Go away!"

The Turtle Hermit abruptly slammed the door shut and began walking away, when King Cold's muffled voice reached his ears. "Oh, won't you reconsider? The Things of Life bring joy and good things to all who follow them!"

Have you ever heard of "they hear what they want to hear"? Well, allow me to show you the inner workings of Master Roshi's brain: _bring good things bring magazines **free magazines**_

Master Roshi's door exploded as the crazy old man plowed right through it, knocking King Cold down onto the sandy beach. The purple prophet looked up to see the bizarre old coot standing on top of him.

"Where do I sign up?" he asked with his trademark cackle.

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"Ah, curse that Ranma Saotome! Not only does he monopolize the affections of my loves, but he also uses cheap tactics to defeat me in combat!"

Tatewaki Kuno (_Ranma 1/2_) was angrily ranting inside of his castle of a house. After losing to Ranma time and time again, the young swordsman was really starting to get frustrated. What was a young fool in love (with two girls, one of them Ranma him/herself) to do?

"How can I defeat him? I demand an answer from on high!" he roared.

"Before you can overcome your rival, you must first overcome yourself. Thus saith the Things of Life!" a voice boomed.

"Yes, quite so! Oh, how wonderful; the kami themselves are answering my plea!" Kuno happily exclaimed.

"Not exactly," the voice replied. Kuno looked upward to see King Cold, his head jammed between two tree branches.

"I was flying a little low, and I couldn't help but notice this wonderful, beautiful tree..." he began to explain. Before he could tell the whole story, Kuno hopped upward and chopped the offending branches off. King Cold fell to the ground with a mighty thud, creating a tiny crater in the ground.

"Even if you are not the kami, I still wish to hear your teachings," Kuno said respectfully. "You seem to have much wisdom, oh purple one."

King Cold seemed to consider, then answered, "Well, since you saved me from that deceptively harmless tree, I think I will take you on as my disciple."

"Ah, thank you master!" Kuno said with a bow.

"_Hmm... Spreading the Things of Life is proving easier than I thought it would be!_" King Cold thought.

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Next on his "likely convert list" was Vegeta, Prince of Saiyans.

"Oh, Vegeta, might I trouble you to--"

_**BLAM!**_

King Cold flew off, riding Vegeta's power blast off into the distance.

"Pathetic purple putz!" Vegeta growled.

Right before he lost consciousness, King Cold thought, "_Note to self: do not try to convert people who have onion-shaped heads (i.e. Saiyans). As the Things of Life say, they are pesky little varmits, and cranky to boot..._"

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King Cold received similiar greetings from the other "non-onion-people" on his list. After getting Tri-beamed by Tien, Emperor-blasted by Chiaotzu, Wolf-Fang-Fisted by Yamcha, Special Beam Cannoned by Piccolo, Megaton-punched by Hercule, and cussed-out by Mr. Popo, the discouraged monarch found himself wandering around a mysterious desert.

"I say, perhaps all of this proselytizing isn't as easy as it at first seemed!" he panted, climbing over a sand dune. On the other side, he saw a large boulder.

"Hooray! Shade!" he rejoiced. He ran down to where the boulder was, grabbed it, and placed it on top of his head.

"Ah... Much better!" he said happily. Just then, he noticed a strange-looking man passing by. He was a tall fellow with spiky blond hair, and he wore shades and a red trenchcoat. King Cold also noticed that he was packing heat (and a canteen).

"Oh, young fellow, come here!" Cold exclaimed.

Vash the Stampede (_Trigun_) looked up in amazement at the purple giant before him. "_My gosh, look at that guy!_" he thought."_He's enormous! I'll bet his strength matches his size; wearing that boulder on his head must be a part of his training._"

Cautiously, Vash approached the jolly violet giant. "May I have a tiny drink from your canteen?" Cold asked. Vash nodded, giving him the canteen. He became a little upset, however, when the weirdo drank every last drop of it!

"Hey! That was **all** of my water!" Vash shrieked.

"I'm sorry; a tiny drink for me is a rather large drink for little people like you," Cold replied apologetically. "Remember, though: your sacrifice was made in the name of love and peace, two of the Things of Life."

"Love and peace?" Vash yelled excitedly, forgetting his water. "Hey, that's my motto, too!"

"Indeed?" King Cold asked. "Then you ought to study the Things of Life under me as my disciple! How about it?"

Vash considered the offer. "_There is something very strange about this guy, but I can't put my finger on it. Oh, well. Anyone who touts love and peace can't be all bad! Besides, with the Gung-ho Guns trying to kill me right now, lying low would probably be a good idea anyway._"

"Sir," Vash said in his "serious" voice, "You have gained yourself a disciple!"

"Oh, good!" Cold laughed. "Now, let me see... With Master Roshi, Kuno, and Mr. Spiky Hair, I now have eight students (_poor King Cold... math was never his strong point_). That's enough to begin work on the Temple of the Things of Life!"

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Soon afterward, the Inquisition flew by in the form of a pint-sized executioner. Krillin flew down and examined the discarded boulder.

"Two holes... horn holes!" the bald little fellow exclaimed. He then pulled out his extremely complicated scientific instrument, shook it, and peered into the bottom of the Magic 8-ball.

It said: "**Yup. A guy is a gent, a lady is a dame. Something stupid this way came.**"

"Aha! I knew it..." Krillin muttered. "Just you wait, King Cold. Your days are numbered!"

END OF CHAPTER 2

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Well, that's it for chapter two. I hope you folks liked this chapter, but please leave a review regardless. After all, "feedback is an author's best friend" (or somethinglike that).

I, the Goz, have agreed to finish this travesty on my own. Please be patient for the next chapter , because it is on the way. In the meantime please review, wont you?


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer:Dragonball z nor king cold is my creation! WAAAAA! All respects go to the awesome,glorious Akira Toriyama! Vash and Kuno are not mine either._

_The Things of Life Ch.3-The Wedding and the Building of the Temple_

King Cold, knowing that he hadn't any money to live on, decided to go to work as a door to door salesman! (A fitting job for a fitting things of life elite.) King Cold went into a magazine store which had a sign saying that they needed an intelligent, well spoken, tender hearted gentlemen to apply.

He walked up to the counter and said, "I'm here to fulfill your ad."

The secretary looked up and said, "Ah, yes sir, good. I'll tell him you're here."

King Cold grinned, "Thank you."

Cold found him a chair and sat down. After a few minutes the secretary came out of the office and came over to where King cold was.

"Sir," the secretary explained, "he'll see you now."

He got up and started walking over to the office and he started hearing this strange high pitched laughter. He walked in and it was none other than MASTER ROSHI HIMSELF!

King Cold was in shock. "I do say! Roshi, you betrayed me! You told me that if I got your magazines, you'd join my cult. Yet I find that you're the head of a magazine organization!"

Roshi looked up from his Playboy magazine and said, "Heh heh heh. Yes, but I need more!"

King cold now knows the true essence of Master Roshi's mind: he is a pervert but with true intelligence, and a perfect sort of a guy for his cult.

"Roshi," Cold says fearfully, "I need a job!"

He put his face on the desk and he cried. Roshi saw what was happening and felt remorse. He patted Cold on the back, lifted him off the desk, and said, "Cold, its okay. I'll give you a job... besides, you're RUINING MY MAGAZINES, YOU IDIOT!"

King Cold flew off his desk and hit his head, but it didn't hurt him. He was very happy, he was smiling big.

"Roshi, you wont regret this; you'll see!" King cold said.

Roshi didn't believe him and said, "I probably will, but I'll give you this one chance."

Roshi picked up a bag, stuffed the dirty magazines in it, and gave it to him.

"Cold," Roshi said, "be careful with this. This is my pride and joy... sell them won't you?"

"Will do, sir," Cold said.

After he received this, he went outside. He walked for a ways and found a great big brick house on the corner of the street. He walked up to it and knocked.

While waiting, he said, "This will be my first sale!"

The owner answer the door. It was a older woman. Cold looked inside and saw children running around.

"Yes?" she said.

"Ah, yes Ma'am, this is your lucky day! I have the perfect reading material for you!" Cold said.

She nodded, and Cold gave her the magazine. She fumed when she saw what it was and started screaming, "You idiot! I wouldn't read these magazines!"

Cold, knowing he made a mistake, said, "Oh, I'm sorry Miss. These are for children and I see you have children!"

The woman didn't say anything; she just made a fist.

Cold, knowing what was fixing to happen (because it had happened many times before), said, "Ma'am, even before you hit..."

He couldn't complete his sentence. She threw back her arm in great force and swung and hit the king in the jaw. The force was so great that he flew back across the street. He landed on top of some people.

"I do say, folks! Excuse me," Cold said apologizing.

King cold got off of them and looked at them. It was none other than his things of life elites, Kuno and Vash. He was quite surprised and said , "I do say, Kuno and Vash, what are you doing here?"

Kuno, being the kind of guy he is, said, "Well, master, we were looking for you and we wanted to go on a mind cleansing journey to find you and--"

Vash cut in, "The truth is we were swindled by this old pervert who made us sell these awful magazines, and we tried to sell them because we knew we needed money and that's why were here. We were thrown."

King Cold was speechless; how could they do this to him? King Cold smacked his hand on his other hand to symbolize his anger.

He said, "I can't believe you all would stoop this low. I'm very disappointed in ya'll. This sort of thing is not..."

While King Cold was fussing at them, Vash noticed something in his hand. It was a bag just like theirs! Vash looked at Cold and said, " Cold what's in your hand?"

King Cold was very afraid now. He was fussing at them for the exact thing he was doing. "Well, Vash, I'll tell you. It's... uhhhhhh... my book! Yeah, my things of life book. You know I've always wanted it to be published, and well it finally has."

Vash wasn't convinced. "I see, let me see it."

King Cold at this time was sweating. He was just standing there staring at Vash; what could he do? Before he thought of something, Vash grabbed the bag out of his hands and looked.

"King Cold, you were doing the same thing we were!"he shouted.

King Cold dropped his head in shame. He couldn't hide it anymore.

"You caught me," Cold began to say, "Yes, I sold those very exact same disgracing magazines to people, because well... we need money!"

Vash and kuno both knew this of course. For they were trying desperately trying to help also.

"King Cold," Kuno explained, "we were trying to help also because we knew we were broke and we saw this sign outside of (what we thought was) a good magazine business. It turned out to be a very bad magazine store run by a old man bent on world domination."

King Cold understood and was very flattered. They were trying to help him. He congratulated them and said to never speak of this shameful act again. They went back to the magazine store run by Master Roshi. They of course knew he'd be mad at them for not selling a thing, and... oh no! King Cold had just remembered that he had left that magazine at that woman's house without paying for it! King Cold knew he was finished. He walked through the door of his office and kuno and vash was behind him.

"Vash, Kuno, I'll do the talking," Cold said forcefully. "Master Roshi, we have decided..."

He couldn't finish his sentence, for Master Roshi saw them and said, "Ah... Cold, Vash and Kuno! You have returned sooner than I thought! How much have you sold?"

"_Oh no! Here it comes_," Cold thought.

"Well, uh, we didn't sell anything. We failed miserably!" Cold said, saddened.

Master Roshi looked at him and said, "HEE HEE HEE! I knew you'd fail, so I'm not furious at all. I am just glad you brought them back to me now. I see you have the bag there. Let me see them."

Cold thought he might be able to get by with this, but this is the biggest pervert in the world! This may be hard. We shall see. He gave it to him.

Master Roshi looked in there and, "Well it seems they are all in order and still neat. It seems they're all here... but wait! THERE IS ONE MISSING! COLD, YOU MORON! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!"

Roshi lowered his head in anger. He leaned down, gripped his hands into fists, and started to power up. His shirt ripped off. He became bulked up. Cold by this time was worried.

"Uh Roshi," Cold began, "let me explain. I accidently left one at a house for a sale. I'm sorry!"

It didn't work so he went with a different approach. "Roshi, you're going to wreck your magazines!"

Master Roshi never quit so suddenly. "You're right, Cold! Killing you and wrecking my magazines is just not going to work. So I'm going to do the thing that will hurt you the most. I'm quitting your cult. And by the way, don't ever let me see you or talk to me again. I won't be by my magazines all the time, you know, so next time I won't be so merciful."

Cold threw his head down in anguish; he had lost a recruit. He had to get him back, he thought. He walked out of the office, with Vash and Kuno behind him. They stopped on the corner. Vash leaned against the wall. Kuno just sat down. King Cold started pacing; he had to figure out a way.

Vash looked at Cold, puzzled. "So... what are we going to do now?"

Cold stopped pacing and looked at him, saying, "We have to get Master Roshi back! I'm trying to think of way to go about doing this. What does Master Roshi like best?"

Vash began to think a little while and said, "Well, as we all know, he likes magazines, and we know he's a pervert. We should use this to our advantage."

Kuno, who was listening to all of this, said, "I've heard throughout the years that Roshi has always liked Launch. She couldn't cook too well, but he really likes her."

Cold was very surprised at what Kuno had said. He asked, "Where did you hear that?"

Kuno, with a smirk on his face, said, "I have my sources."

Cold then said, "Do you know where we could find her? I have this idea cooking up that we could ask her to do something for Roshi. I'm sure he'd come running back to us if we brought her to him."

Vash pondered this and said, "Well, let's just start looking."

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So they began to walk, and they came to a saloon. As soon as they walked past it, they saw about five men being thrown out and rapid gunfire.

The trio flew around and Cold began to yell, "I do say! What the heck is all this? I'll take care of this. You two wait out here."

Cold walked in and this was what he saw: a woman with blonde hair, two machine guns, and a evil look in her eye.

"Ma'am, stop this right now!" Cold yelled at the top of his lungs.

The woman turned around and said, "What did you say?"

Cold turned solid white. She moved towards him. She picked him up and threw him out the window. Vash and Kuno saw Cold lying there. They pointed and started to laugh hysterically.

"Shut up!" Cold said forcefully.

By that time, the saloon doors flung open and out came a woman.

"It's LAUNCH!" Kuno concluded.

Cold flew off the ground and kneeled before Launch. Launch looked down at him and shrugged. Cold lifted his head, but before he could do anything else, Kuno bulldozed him over.

"Ah my love, my sweet princess! Come with me and we can be free together!" Kuno said..

He had her leaning down like he was going to kiss her. She turned bright red and knocked kuno off his feet. Then grabbed her machine gun and shot a few rounds in his head.

She looked down at him and said, "Don't ever do that again!"

"Yes, my golden-haired goddess," Kuno quickly said.

Cold got off the ground. All of a sudden Launch sneezed and her hair turned blue.

"Uh... what happened and where am I?" Launch gasped.

All three of them were dismayed.

"I do say, uh what the heck happened?" Cold said.

"I don't know, master; it seemed she sneezed. Is it the same person?"Vash said.

"I'll find out," Kuno said while running towards her. He pulled her close and said, "Are you still Launch?"

She moved her head up and looked him in the eye. "Of course I am, sir."

He had a big smile on his face because no one had ever called him "sir" before.

"Please, stand back," Launch said sternly.

Kuno obliged. Kuno had never been talked to that way, and it was refreshing to hear those kind words. Cold stepped up to her.

He cleared his throat and said, "Hi, Ma'am. I am King Cold and..." (he motioned his two minions to come closer) "...these are my associates, Vash the Stampede and Kuno, who you have already met."

She nodded to Vash and Kuno, and smiled to Cold.

"Hi, I'm Launch," Launch said.

"Yes, Ma'am, I have heard a lot about you. I have to ask you something very important," Cold said.

Launch was curious. She said, "Uh...sure. Why not."

Cold was very excited and hesitated. He was also very nervous because everything depended on this, and if it failed, everything did.

"Ma'am, this is very important; please hear me out. See, Master Roshi quit my cult a while back because I lost his mag... you know what, that's a long story. I'll get right to the point: he quit the cult and we need him back. That is where you come in. We need you..." he gulped, "to marry him."

His heart was beating very heavily and fast, with a thud, he was sweating very heavily like a summer rain. He began to shake like a tree in the wind. Launch for some reason didn't really seam bothered.

"Oh, Roshi I know him, but he's kinda old," she said. "But sure, I'll marry him."

All three of the cult fell over. They got back up and were dumbfounded. All of them had a very weird look on their faces. They looked at each other.

"It was that easy?" Vash questioned.

"Heh, I guess so," Kuno said. Cold couldn't believe that he did it! Cold was extremely happy and he jumped up and down.

"Thank you, Miss Launch! I really appreciate this, and you really don't have to marry him if you don't want to. You can pretend," He winked.

She shook her head. Cold apologized, "Sorry, you don't have to. I didn't mean to offend you."

"I wouldn't do that to him," she said. "I'll marry him for real."

Cold yelled, "Okay, LETS GO!"

He grabbed Vash, Kuno, and Launch and zoomed off to Kame Sennin's Island. King Cold carried everyone; Vash in one hand, Kuno in the other, and Launch on his back. They finally get to the island. Meanwhile, Master Roshi was doing his usual sleeping with his reading material over his head, snoring. Cold dropped his cult; then landed on the island and gracefully let her off. It may surprise you, but Cold is a gentlemen. As you might have guessed, Master Roshi was still sleeping heavily. Vash and Kuno got off the ground and dusted themselves off.

"What the big idea?" they both yelled.

"Just keep to business," Cold said.

Vash and Kuno shrugged, but they didn't say anything else. Cold walked up to the door, with Launch behind him. Kuno and Vash walked up next. Cold was about to knock when he realized something.

He said, "Launch, go hide at the corner of the house. I want this to be a surprise to him."

She agreed and ran there. When she got into place, he took a deep breath and knocked on the door. You could hear Master Roshi in the background, "Listen here, I don't want to buy any..." He opened the door.

"IT'S YOU!" Roshi bellowed.

Cold threw up his hand, saying, "Now, Roshi, don't be too hasty."

"I told you what would happen if I saw you again!" Roshi roared.

The old coot threw his hands in the air and he started to power up. His shirt wilted away.

"I do say! Launch, get the heck out here!" Cold screamed at the top of his lungs.

She flew out of the corner of the house and sprang up the porch. Roshi looked bewildered.

He stopped, saying, "Miss LAUNCH! Uh... what are you doing here? Cold, this better not be a plan to get me back."

Cold looked at her and then him and stated, "Of corse not. She's here to marry you."

The word "marry" didn't register to the old geezer. Roshi simply replied, "What?"

Launch decided to add something in, "I am going to marry you."

Roshi's eyes popped out of its sockets, "Mar..."

He didn't have time to finish his sentence; he fainted! The old pervert fainted! Vash and Kuno looked at each other and nodded. They both grabbed Roshi up and brought him toward the house. Cold and Launch directed them and held the door open for them. Vash and Kuno got him in the house and laid him on the couch.

"I think you gave that old man a good shock," Vash said, laughing.

"Aye," said Kuno.

They all had a good laugh. A few hours later Roshi began stir and he jumped up.

He looked at Launch and Cold and said, "Wow, what a shock! I didn't think I really wanted to get married, but I wont let this pass! HEE HEE HEE!"

Launch smiled, "All right; let's get to planning."

Cold was afraid to add this, but he must because... well... this was reason they were doing this.

King Cold said, "Roshi, I wanted you to know since you're getting all this, you must re-join my cult."

Roshi, not really paying attention, said, "Sure, okay."

Wow, Cold thought, he had already forgotten what he had said. And with that, Roshi and Launch got to planning.

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A few months later, the wedding was on and everything was underway!

_In the chapel..._

The wedding began and Frieza started to come out, throwing flowers. He was the flower boy. He heard some snickering in the audience.

"I don't want any laughing, you hear?" frieza demanded.

Still laughing.

He raised his finger started to form a energy ball. The snickering stopped.

"That's more like it," he said with an evil grin.

He moved out of the aisle and into his spot. Everyone stood in a row. Then everyone started to stand up. Cold cued the music.

"What the?"

Kuno was playing something dark and strange. It's the funeral march! He had to fix it... people were starting to stare.

Cold looked at Vash and mouthed the words, "Kill him if he does it again!"

Kuno started to play again and it was right! Cold wiped sweat from his forehead. People looked back from him and looked at the bride. While the people weren't looking Cold flew over to the organ and slapped him on the head.

"Why did you do that, you moron?" he whispered.

He flew back to his place. Surprisingly, the crowd didn't notice the split silence. Launch walked down the aisle slowly, and she finally got to the end of the aisle. She got into her spot. Roshi was waiting for her. Cold cleared his throat. He motioned the people to sit down.

King Cold began, "Dearly beloved! We are gathered here today to honor the cursed union of the beauty and the old pervert, Master Roshi and Launch! The Things of life!"

As soon as he finished, Vash and Kuno stood up where they sat and started to sing, "Haaalllleeeee------."

Cold started again. He looked at Roshi. Cold said, "Do you take launch to grab...oopsie, I mean to hold?"

"Hee, Hee, Hee, I do both!" Roshi said.

He turned to Launch and said, "Launch, do you take this geezer to have and to hold, and to talk things of life with?"

"I..." Launch began to say.

Then this silly old man with a sack on his back ran in, yelling, "What a haul! What a haul!"

He had in his bag certain unmentionables and magazines. When he dashed in, he stirred up a LOT of dust.

He ran up to Roshi and said, "Roshi my student, It's ME! Haposai! I came bearing gifts to my best student. These are yours!"

He pulls out a bunch of magazines, which Roshi reached for. Launch saw what was in the bag and let out a big shriek!

Launch slapped his hand, saying, "Roshi, that's not very gentleman-like."

"Uh... well... uh... yeah..." Roshi stuttered out, reluctant to let go of his precious magazines.

Then the dust that Haposai kicked up began to disturb Launch's delicate nose. Then she sneezed! Her hair changed gold! Cold noticed something.

"I do say! She's one of them Super Saiyans!" Cold stated.

Gold-hair Launch realized with fury what she was about to be suckered into. Then she slaps Roshi.

"I'll never marry you!" she yelled.

Laughing at Roshi, Haposai states, "See, you should have been like me, a collector!"

"No!" Roshi yells.

"I'll destroy you all!" Launch yelled.

"Violent kids! All they want is explosions!" Cold yelled.

"WHAT...DID...YOU..SAY?" Launch exploded.

Everyone's heart stopped as she pulled out a automatic machine gun.

Then Cold yelled, "Well its been fun!"

As he is running away from the blood thirsty blonde he yells, "Gang way!"

When he finishes his statement, she opens fire. Haposai, seeing his chance, throws a happo-fire bomb to Roshi and he catches it.

"Use that!" Haposai said.

Roshi realized too late what it was, and it exploded in his hands! There was an enormous blast and a mushroom cloud. When the smoke blew away, Roshi was shaken and battered, but still alive!

"Heeeeee! I'm alive..." Roshi said.

A figure burst from the rubble and yelled, "Not for long!"

Master Roshi thought his goose was cooked when Launch pointed the gun at him. Then a miracle happened: dust and ash flew in front of her nose and she sneezed. She was the normal Launch again. She looked around; she saw everything. She was in the rubble.

She looked at Roshi and said, "Uh... Roshi, did you do this?"

Everyone fell over. They all got up.

"Uh, yes, sure it was me," Roshi said.

He pulled himself out of the rubble and turned over to help her out. Cold, who tried to get out, didn't make it; he was in the rubble.

Roshi and Launch walked to Cold and said, "Well, Cold, your plan failed! We're leaving!"

He called a taxi, and with that he was gone. Cold was there with his mouth hanging open.

He said, "Blast! We failed again."

He got out of the rubble, went to the curb, and sat down. Behind him where the church's rubble was, two beings burst through the rubble. It was Vash and Kuno; they had also survived. They got out and walked over to Cold.

"Well, I must say that was a total waste of time," Vash said.

Cold turned around glaring at him.

Vash restated what he had said, adding, "Heh, sorry."

"Don't worry, Master. It'll all work out in the end," Kuno said.

Cold was sitting there on the curb moping. He grumbled, "Yeah, right. Everything we have done... nothing was successful. Everything was a complete failure. Also, we still have no money for the temple."

Something strange then happened, an armored car with a large amount of money ran out of control and hit the building next to the destroyed church.

"Master, a phenomenon of miracle proportions just happened next to us!" Kuno explained.

"I do say, we have just solved our money problem!" Cold said excitedly.

"Cold, I'm appalled at you! How dare you suggest we steal this money for our gain?" Vash said.

Both Kuno and Cold turned around and said, "Vash... Shut up!"

Vash sighed and shut his mouth. Cold, Vash, and Kuno all got sacks and loaded up the money from the armored car. Well, they had the money! Surprised? I am. It took them a few months getting all the materials together and writing the blue prints. After all of this was finished, they built the temple.

--------------

_A day later_

Kami got up early as he had always done, right when the sun rose.

"Ah, this is a great morning." Kami said, looking out the window.

He walked out of the look out. He stretched and took a death breath.

"Ahhh... this is going to be a really good day," he yawned.

He turned around to look at his lookout; he always made sure it was clean.

"Ah, so clean! Mr. Popo has outdone himself," he noted.

He looked up to the top of the lookout and saw something. He gasped, "What the?"

He climbed up to get a better look, saying, "What is this building doing up on the look out?"

Somebody had built a building on top of the lookout! He walked up to the building.

"Who is the idiot who would build this?" he wondered.

He walked in. He saw King Cold. He sighed, "Now I know."

He realized that this building was not an ordinary building... it was a temple! He gazed around the temple and noticed something in the middle of the temple. It had spotlights connected to the ceiling that shown on something that looked like a trash can! He walked up to it and the "Hallelujah Chorus" blazed out. He noticed stuff written on this trash can. In big bold letters it had "THE THINGS OF LIFE" written on it. He turned to King Cold, who had his other followers with him.

"Cold, what are you doing here? And the main question is why did you build this stupid temple on my lookout?" Kami demanded angrily.

"Well..."

Cold didn't have time to finish his answer; all of a sudden he heard a crack.

"Vash and Kuno, give me the papers," Cold said.

"Aye, sire!" they both said.

They got the building plans and gave it to him. Cold looked at the plans. He noticed that it had for some reason a capacity of three. He looked around the room, counting, "One-two- uhhhhhh..."

Cold went into a deep thought.

"Four, master, four," Kuno said.

"Ah... four," he gulped.

He began to sweat and shake. It finally hit him.

"Oh God, Kami! You killed us all!" Cold yelled.

END OF CHAPTER 3

* * *

Sorry about the wait everyone, but I wanted to make sure this was as perfect as possible. PLEASE FORGIVE ME... WONT YOU! More failure of Cold as usual but what more could you expect? Chapter 4 is in the works and should be here quite soon.

I do say! Please review, or I'll build a temple on top of your house.


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer: Neither Dragon ball z nor King Cold are my creations! WAAAAA! All respects go to the awesome, glorious Akira Toriyama! Vash and Kuno are not mine either._

Author: The Goz (for chapter 3 as well, to clear up confusion.)

Note:

_The things of life ch.4- King Cold's Demise _

"You mean to tell me that you built this place to hold only 3 people!!!" Kami questioned.

"Yes," Cold said.

Then the temple started to collapse and Kami flew out.

"Bye, Cold! Happy landings! I hope you get what you deserve!" Kami said. He flew away.

"You know, Cold, we're going to die!" Vash said.

"Vash... SHUT UP!" Cold said.

Then the temple started to tilt very sharply and threw them out. Then the temple started to fall off the lookout and then all of a sudden it was stuck. It was snagged on Korin's tower. However, our heroes kept falling.

"Kuno, I have a idea on how we can survive the fall: push Cold out in front so you can sit on him. He will hit first," Vash stated.

"That's a very good idea but very cruel," Kuno retorted.

"Either that or we die," Vash said.

Vash and Kuno pushed him in front and sat on him in mid-air. They hit the ground with a big bang. They cratered the ground. They got off and stood up.

Vash said, "Cold I'm afraid in my best interest that I quit your cult. I am sorry I am leaving. You just haven't succeeded in anything you have done. Everything you put your hands on has failed. I have not forgotten that you stole this money."

Cold raised his head and then lowered his head as if in remorse.

"I see," Cold said.

Kuno then began to speak.

Cold cut him off.

"At least I have you, Kuno; you have always been loyal," Cold said, praising.

"I'm afraid that's not entirely true. I agree with Vash," Kuno said.

Cold's face sprung upward and he said, "ET TU KUNO!?" He said.

"See you around Cold," Kuno said.

Kuno looked up and his face turned white. Vash looked at him very bewildered. "What's wrong?" Vash said.

"Look up," Kuno stated. Vash looked at him crazily and shrugged, and then he looked up. His face turned white and his pupils became smaller. What he saw was the temple crashing down at him.

"Holy heck! We need to go!!" Vash grabbed Kuno and he jumped to safety; he hit the ground, rolled once, and hopped to his feet. He turned to watch Cold. Cold looked at them with a crooked grin.

"Kuno and Vash," Cold said, "you both were always moronic." Kuno and Vash both pointed to the sky.

"What?" Cold said. He looked up and he sighed. "Figures." The temple crushed into him, burying him into the ground. The force of the crash disintegrated the temple. While this was going on, his former elite were watching in awe. Then everything went quiet.

"I wonder if he is dead," Vash inquired.

"We can only hope," Kuno concurred. At that very moment a blast from the rubble occurred, sending the rubble of the temple soaring off into the distance. Cold flew up into the air and then soared to the ground and hit it with a thud.

"I'm ALIVE!!!!!!!!" He said, out of breath.

"We hoped you died," Kuno said.

"We hoped you had left us for eternity," Vash said. Vash raised his hand with his gun in hand and pointed it at the King.

"I do s––" Cold was cut off. Cold stared at him with his arms smothering his stomach and his ears aching from the echo of Vash's recently fired gun. Cold collapsed. Vash looked at his souped up gun and at back at Cold.

"You'll live; you lived through much worse stuff. I don't want to really ever see you again, and my statement about quitting your cult was of all seriousness. Now I beg you not to follow us. We're leaving," Vash preached. Vash turned and walked away before he completely lost sight of the Cold he noticed tears from him. Kuno waited a little while staring at Cold with an angry look on his face then waved, turned around and ran to catch up to Vash. Cold raised his head and watched them till they faded into the distance.

"I failed my great, great (how ever many) grandfather. My cult is finished! I really can't believe it. I really don't deserve to live anymore," Cold said to himself. He sighed twice. Then out of the corner of his eye he saw something, just a glimpse, nothing at first but then...

"_What the??"_ he thought.He couldn't believe it: _"A police officer way out here!!? What's this? A little girl chasing this so-called police car?" _

He blinked a few times to clear his head. Nope, still there.

"OH MY GOSH! THEY'RE COMING RIGHT FOR ME!" He tried to move, but he couldn't; the falling from the lookout and the temple falling on him, not to mention the gun shot wound, took its toll. The police car hit him with a thud and kept on going. The little girl ran over him also but stopped, turned around, raised her hand, and yelled, "N'CHA!!!" Cold noticed something on her shirt.

"Arale?" he said. Then she turned around and continued the chase. They disappeared in a immense dust cloud.

"That was the strangest thing I've seen yet. That hurt!" He said, "I don't have time to think now!!" He was right–something else was coming into view.

"The heck? A giant ape?" He questioned. He got a bright idea , "Could it be a Saiyan?" He got to thinking; Cold, as we all know, is a Japanese movie lover and he recognized him from somewhere. His mind clicked. "I know; that's King Kong! I've seen him on King Kong Vs Godzilla! Who would've guessed those would come in handy," he said. King Kong kept on walking and noticed him lying on the ground and started running toward him.

"Oh no!" He yelled.

Kong squished him under his feet and it stuck to his foot. He got a stick and peeled him off of it, then ran off. Cold might be damaged but he sure isn't dead; he is quite the survivor.

"Something is very wrong... my luck is very bad, but luckily it can't get any worse," He pondered.

As soon as he finished his sentence something else showed itself out of the woods: Kong's partner in crime, Godzilla!

"You've got to be kidding! What is going on; are they filming another Godzilla movie?" he yelled. Cold's stupid yell brought Godzilla's attention to Cold. He began to run to Cold and (you might have guessed it) ran over him. Flattened him between his toes. He flicked him off his foot and looked at him; before Cold knew what was happening, he swooped down, grabbed him, and tossed him into his mouth. He chewed him up and swallowed. He made a sour face and roared. Thus after Godzilla did this awful deed for the world (most think it's good), he ran away deep into the woods.

The news spread quickly over the world that Cold had died. It was spreading very fast, actually. You might ask yourself how it was spreading so fast. I'll tell you. Frieza was so happy he was telling everyone he saw. If you're wondering why Frieza knew his father was killed, it's because he was wearing a scouter at the time. Frieza was rejoicing; he was so happy he was finally able to throw that "My father is dead party". Everyone attended that party, even the Z warriors, Roshi, Vash, and Kuno, just to name a few.

The door opened at Frieza's party and out popped Vash and Kuno; they were departing. Frieza was standing at the door and thanked them for coming, and Vash and Kuno thanked him for inviting them. They were very surprised by his attitude and his treatment of others: he was nice, actually nice! Who could blame him, though, from this circumstance.

Vash and Kuno walked out, waved at Frieza, and walked onward. The door shut.

"I am so glad that fool died," Vash said.

"Yeah, but he was so wise!" Kuno said. Vash just glared at him. They were walking a while, then all of a sudden Vash and Kuno noticed a tree...

"What a marvelous, beautiful tree!" they said together. They were so busy gazing at the tree they ran into it. The impact knocked them out.

They were out for 3 whole hours. They woke up, swung up, and looked at each other and said, "I do say!"

Frieza woke up short of breath, sweating from his bed in his mansion.

"That was freaking weird. Could it have been all a dream?" Frieza inquired.

Frieza heard somebody clearing his throat and he turned and saw someone lying in his bed; none other than King Cold! "Son, it wasn't a dream, look," he pointed to the halo on the top of his head, "but don't worry son. I'll be with you for all eternity!" Cold said.

Frieza had a look of horror on his face and yelled, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

The end?

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Is this the end? MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! (Sorry but no I have one more chapter left, but very short.)Review please!


	5. Chapter 5

_Neither Dragon ball z nor King Cold are my creations! WAAAAA! All respects go to the awesome, glorious Akira Toriyama! _

Author: The Goz

Note:

Ch. 5 Krillen's failure

"Darn you Godzilla and King Kong you ruined it for me! What am I going to tell the dragon?" Krillen said. He threw the dragon ball on the ground and said, "Come forth Shenlong!"

The dragon balls glowed then out sprang the dragon in a enormous flash of light. "Who dares disturb my... Oh its you slave, have you done away with the moron?" Shenlong said

"Uh...Um...No sir I didn't, but he is dead," Krillen said.

"I see. So you failed me. YOU MUST SUFFER THE WRATH OF SHENLONG!" Shenlong bellowed.

"NO please NOT THAT!" Krillen pleaded.

"Yes, failure in my sight is not tolerated," Shenlong said. Shenlong made his eyes glow, nothing happened for a couple of seconds. Then Krillen arose into the air and was engulfed into a ball of energy. He was in the ball of energy a while then he was put down on the ground. For a while nothing happened, but then he shrank one inch. He shrank for three more inches.

"I'm shrinking! I'm growing shorter!? Oh, please stop I beg of you! I can't lose anymore or I'll be a dwarf!!" Krillen pleaded.

"Okay, I will stop but this better not ever happen again," Shenlong said.

"Thank you but I was short enough already!"

"For that tone of voice I'll make you shorter," Shenlong grumbled.

"M-My apologies, Shenlong." Krillen said.

"Very well, Also You don't get a wish," Shenlong said. After he had spoken the dragon left then the dragon balls glowed and shot up into the air. The balls then shot separately to other parts of the world.

"My luck sucks!!" Krillen states.

-----------------------------------------------------The End---------------------------------------------------

This is the real ending. How did you like it? If you liked it or didn't give me a review and state your opinion. I really want to know what you think! It's been fun writing this story and I'm glad its over at the same time Ha-Ha-Ha. Enjoy!


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